Archive - December, 2008

The Invitation: A Silver Case update

For those following my Silver Case adventures, here’s an update that’ll tickle you. As many of you know, I’ve been warned by a mysterious fellow named “Case Man,” aka Richard Findes, about the allegedly nefarious deeds of the Armacham corporation.

Armacham has targeted me to apparently participate in a marketing event for the release of the new video game F.E.A.R. 2, the Case Man said. But the company shouldn’t be trusted, he insisted — Armacham is using the event as a ruse to possibly perform genetic testing on me and other Silver Case recipients.

I’ve remained fairly neutral about Case Man’s accusations; after all, he could be spreading misinformation about Armacham. At the same time, I’ve been skeptical about Armacham’s supposed “targeting” of me; why in the the heck would a major conglomerate reach out to me? There’s nothing special about J.C. Hutchins.

But yesterday, I received this letter from A.T. Harman, an employee at Armacham Technology Corporation. (A scan of the letter is beneath my transcript.) Things are getting … interesting.

I’m going to personally pursue this mystery later today, and get back to you with some video and opinions. In the meantime, enjoy this very intriguing letter.

If this is real, should I go? My personal safety might be at risk. Sound off in the comments…

–J.C.


From the Office of A.T. Harman
C.O.O. of Gaming and Simulation Division
Armacham Corporation
www.armacham.com

Dear J.C.:

Congratulations. I am pleased to inform you that Armacham Technologies would like to include you in our upcoming *FEAR LAB trials in New York City.

Armacham will fly you to New York City to be one of the first to experience F.E.A.R. 2 during the weekend of January 17th and 18th. As part of the **Level III test, you will be granted access to our mobile FEAR LAB, allowing extensive interaction with the game prior to its public release.

The F.E.A.R. 2 module represents a major leap forward in FPS game-play and as part of Armacham’s outreach, we will provide live blogging & live streaming stations at the event for you to share with your audience.

Please contact our travel coordinator … to make arrangements.

Best Regards,
A.T. Harman

*Measurable PK attunement and Neuro-inductive Cognition is amplified by up to 22% by subjects utilizing the chair, although prolonged use is still being restricted to those displaying an initial Zener rating of 9+.

**Level III is designed for bloggers/gamers identified to possess exceptional latent Ganzfield reactions; these players will be among the first test subjects of the new module outside of Armacham’s secret research facility.

Armacham letter -- Click for larger version

Review: “Contagious” by Scott Sigler

For the past three years, horror/sci-fi thriller novelist Scott Sigler and I have remained at DEFCON 1, publicly nuking each other with insults, doing everything we can to ruin the other’s credibility. He blames me for everything wrong in his life; I proudly retort that I’m the sole Junkie (the nickname for Sigler’s fans) who won’t bow to his megalomania. The word “hate” is thrown around. A lot.

Are the venom-filled barbs truly heartfelt? I dare not say. But I will say this: After reading an advance reader’s copy of the author’s latest novel Contagious, I can utter, with truth coursing through my capillaries, that I hate Scott Sigler.

Scott Sigler's ContagiousI hate him the way a garage band guitarist might hate Jimi Hendrix, or the way a film school student might hate Steven Spielberg. I hate Scott because he’s damned good at what he does, and he makes it look effortless. The dude’s practically at the starting line of his professional novel-writing career, and he’s already a master storyteller. Contagious is a superb tale — more on this in a bit — and this novel, better than any other work Scott has written to date, showcases the man’s samurai skills as a writer.

As a fellow novelist, I know that what Scott Sigler has accomplished with this new book wasn’t easy to create. It couldn‘t have been. But damn, he makes it look like it was. My envy burns green, and bright.

Contagious, the sequel to Sigler’s Infected (released in April), resumes the tale of “Scary” Perry Dawsey, a former college football superstar-turned-murderous maniac. In Infected, Perry fell victim to several parasitic lifeforms — alien invaders of the (at first) microscopic variety. As the creatures grew inside his body, so did their influence: the sentient “triangles” super-charged the man’s short temper, and communicated with him via his nervous system.

Perry was driven to madness, murder most bloody, and self-mutilation. He barely survived the events in Infected, and the planet itself barely survived an alien invasion.

In Contagious, Perry (and other Infected supporting characters such as CDC doctor Margaret Montoya and government spook Dew Philips) are back … and so are the parasitic aliens. Perry has reluctantly joined forces with the U.S. government to track down — and, if Perry can keep his rage in check, study — the latest victims of this alien onslaught.

It ain’t easy. Perry can telepathically “sense” these creatures, making him an indispensable member of the team. But broken and haunted by the events in Infected, Perry is a booze-swilling asshole, intent on slaying the beasts that destroyed his life. Here is a man who’s hit rock bottom, a shadow of the unlikely hero we saw in Infected … and the collegiate superstar he once was is now a beyond-distant memory.

It’s up to Margaret and Dew to keep Perry in line … and more important, convince him that their mission to study (and not eradicate) the alien creatures is worthwhile. Perry, whose respect for authority was thoroughly derailed in Infected, isn’t playing ball.

Now here’s where Sigler shines as a tale-teller. Throughout this drama unfolds larger storylines, each upping the emotional tension and narrative stakes … and each expertly executed. The White House reels in disbelief at the news of these parasites, particulary at the horrorific realization that “the infected” are growing in number. A special military unit has been dispatched to exterminate these threats. Everyman supporting characters, brilliantly realized by Sigler (his King-esque characterizations are a hoot and a treat to read), fall victim to the quiet invasion.

And we finally learn the source of the vile alien spores that are infecting the populace. Better still, we do more than learn about this source. We meet it. And see it. And hear it. And it’s creepy as hell, because it’s learning to adapt.

And then the shit hits the fan.

Sigler, taking a cue from the best of Tom Clancy’s multi-plot masterworks, weaves unlikely storylines into a culminating, resonant, narrative force of nature. Emotions flare, bullets (and missiles) fly, and the story marches relentlessly toward the Michigan countryside where a family receives the worst infection of all. It’s here — in the introduction of the book’s unsuspecting earth-bound villain — where Sigler’s prose becomes white-knuckled, disturbing, terror.

The third act of Contagious is an action-packed spectacle, a “widescreen” novel in scope and depth. To spoil its world-rending finale would be criminal, so I won’t. I won’t even give a hint. But as I read the final 10 pages of Contagious, I had to literally remind myself to breathe … and to close my gaping piehole. Remarkable ending.

You owe it to yourself to buy a copy tomorrow, when it’s released in bookstores across the United States. Hell, buy more than one. Buy three. That’s what I did.

Regardless of your quantity, know that Contagious is quality — quality storytelling, quality horror, quality action-adventure. I read the novel in a kind of awe, waiting for this intricate and fast-paced plot to fly off the rails.

It never did. It stayed on target, accelerated, and exceeded my expectations.

And that’s why I hate Scott Sigler. He makes it look so damned effortless.

–J.C.

On Podango’s apparent demise, and why I stay indie

As I write this, unconfirmed reports are circulating that Podango, a podcasting network, will soon turn out its lights, lock its doors and shut down. If true, this is certainly bad news for Lee, Doug, and other members of the company — and it’s particularly grim for entertainers who relied on Podango’s services. These creators will soon scramble to find new online homes for the content they’ve hosted at Podango. This is a painful process.

It’s also a shame. I’m convinced New Media entertainment and distribution via social media is the way to economically and viably build a body of work that can help propel creators toward more mainstream (or at the very least, more profitable) opportunities. It’s also a helluva way to build an audience, make a crapload of awesome friends, and network with like-minded artists and businessfolk.

Now, I’m just one guy doing this podcasting thing — and while I’ve been in the game for about three years, my opinions of podcast networks haven’t changed much since I started. Which is why I’ve never joined one.

Nearly all podcast networks use the collective clout of their shows (and those shows’ audiences) to attract advertisers. Advertisers, in turn, help fund these companies’ operations. Lucky podcasters can benefit by receiving some of that revenue. Based on anecdotal and personal experience, you have to be a pretty lucky podcaster indeed to make decent cash from advert deals.

Thankfully, we’re well past the “quit your day job” crapmeme that was buzzing in the ‘sphere back in 2005. I highly doubt folks entering the podcast space these days believe they’ll make a living wage from their passion project. This is a good thing: eyes are wide open, expectations are managed. (Sadly, this lack-o-living-wage standard can be said for artistic endeavors well beyond New Media. Just ask a novelist.)

Still, podcast networks need high audience numbers to attract advertisers. To do that, networks provide podcasters with incentives such as free file hosting — Podango and other networks do this — and the chance at scoring some revshare. Shows also become available through the network’s portal site, which might generate trickle traffic to the podcast itself.

There can be trade-offs in such arrangements, in which the creator may not control the ultimate fate of his property. I won’t dive into those trade-offs here; that dead horse has been flogged into Elmer’s Glue. But the timeliest issue is the one that Podango’s podcasters may soon be facing. They’re now migrating their media files (and perhaps more) because they’ve been let down by the network. This is because the monetization scheme for podcast networks doesn’t work.

Perhaps it’s just not working now. Perhaps it never will. But one thing the graves of many a dead podcast network indicate is that pooling disparate entertainers with little-to-no common audiences doesn’t seem to appeal to mainstream advertisers. Headlining podcasters carry the lion’s share of audience ears (and eyes) at these networks, and are the ones most likely to benefit from advertising revshare. That’s fine and fair, but the dozens or hundreds of other programs continue to add expense for the network (via hosting, bandwidth and possibly promotion costs). And speaking personally as a now self-employed victim of the current shithole economy, let me assure you: There’s only so much money in the VC coffers. The ad-supported model takes a lonnng time to take off, particularly in the New Media and mobile spaces.

To be clear: I’m not critiquing the hard work of Lee, Doug and the Podango crew specifically here. The ad-supported network model may need more time to bloom, as more advertisers “get” New Media. But in the meantime, it appears that the only viable monetization and/or promotion option for podcasters is to join a network. And if the current network model doesn’t work, then these entertainers’ careers are trapped in a zero-profit scenario.

Or are they?

I’ve been an indie since February 2006 because I see a lot of “giving” going on in these networks, and not a lot of “getting.” Free hosting? Bah. Reliable hosting costs are preposterously low-priced; I host my media files at Libsyn, receive unmetered bandwidth and a robust stats engine for $10/month — a steal. Trickle traffic from a network-branded portal site? I’ve always wondered how effective this is, particularly when said portal may have hundreds (or more likely, thousands) of other shows in its stable. That’s a lot of noise for my signal to cut through.

Further, a driven indie creator can birddog and acquire advertisers on his own if he wishes. (The profits for these ad deals would likely be larger, since no network exists to take a cut.) And even the densest podcaster understands the wisdom of networking within the community. You create and release promos, you craft cameo opportunities in your programming, etc.

And if you’re in this for the money (or would like to see some cash for your efforts), and advertisers still aren’t interested? Don’t pack up your shit, and don’t go network. Go freemium. Merchandise your property. I’ll likely do both next year, and gun for advertisers, too.

Freemium and merchandising represent the greatest untapped potential of podcasting and New Media, and very few entertainers — including myself — are taking advantage of it. But the ones who are doing it, and doing it well, are podcasters you’ve heard of: Ask A Ninja, Keith and the Girl, Scott Sigler, Gary Vaynerchuk, etc.

Social media maven Chris Brogan recently blogged about this topic, stating, “Podcasting as we all thought it might be in 2006 is gone.” Brogan, a co-founder of Podcamp, is right about that. The space is evolving, and the most-successful podcasters are evolving right along with it. “In the end, want to make money with podcasting?” he asks in the post. “Figure out how to make money not on the media itself, but on what the media represents. Simple, and yet elusive.”

This is why freemium, merchandising and — if you’re really lucky — licensing models are the very best way to earn money in this space. Podcasting is an extremely resonant way to create a connection with an audience. (Is it the power of the human voice? A nigh-mystical bond between author and audience, much like the kind radio DJs have with their listeners? That’s a topic for another post.) It’s a fluid, remarkable way to communicate to — and receive communication from — people. It resonates. It engages. It’s powerful and personal. If you’re creating killer content, your audience will want to reward you for your hard work.

By creating merchandise (behold the diverse, creative and cool products offered by Ask A Ninja and Keith and the Girl), podcasters can provide a “tangible” way for fans to support (and evangelize!) their work. By offering a freemium model — in which free content is available to all, but superfans can pay for premium content, and are exposed to exclusive offers/contests/etc. — podcasters can monetarily benefit, and fans get the royal treatment.

And if you can snag an advertiser’s interest? So much the better.

And if you can snag the interest of a mainstream content distributor (such as a publisher or a production company)? Fuckin’-A, brother … you’re living the dream. Pimp those products in your podcast. Your people helped get you those deals; they’ll be happy to support your mainstream endeavors.

I believe the future of successful New Media monetization hinges not on the macro, but the micro. By remaining in absolute control of your content (and where/how it’s hosted online), making your listeners the stars, and offering them interesting and fun ways to opt-in and support your creative efforts, you’ll likely make more money — and deliver more delight to your fans and yourself in the process — than if you mindlessly shake your ass for Audible or GoToMyPC or WhatTheHellEver.com in a dozen-dozen of your podcast recordings.

Cater to your people. Feed them the best entertainment you can create. They’ll reward you.

You don’t need a network to do that.

–J.C.

Review: “Kronos” by Jeremy Robinson

Let me tell you something about author Jeremy Robinson. He’s dangerously good at what he does.

The man is also a generous and kind-hearted soul — he recently read my manuscript for Personal Effects: Dark Art and called it “creepy as hell,” which is a big win for a little guy like me — but mostly, I think he was put on this planet to scare the hell out of you.

KRONOS coverI had the great privilege to read Robinson’s soon-to-be released seabound thriller, Kronos.  The book, which will be released next January by Variance Publishing (and is available for pre-order now, hint-hint), is an adrenaline-pumping descent into the dangerous waters of the Gulf of Maine. Here, Jeremy spins a blood-soaked story that’s packed with more wily hand-to-hand combat, testosterone and gunplay than a Bruckheimer flick. Oh, and there’s a sea monster, too.

Yep, an honest-to-goodness sea monster.

This is the kind of sea-dweller that makes Jaws look like a tadpole. The kind that might even make Meg turn her carcharodon megalodon tail and head for safer waters. Robinson’s creature effing rocks.

The story: Former Navy SEAL Atticus Young and his teenage daughter Giona have been in an emotional rough patch since Atticus’ wife died two years ago. He’s been drifting; she’s been rebelling. A new chapter awaits them across the country; they’ll soon leave Maine. Father and daughter decide to take one last scuba diving trip in the Gulf … and that’s where things go horribly wrong.

Giona is swallowed whole by an unspeakably large, ancient and dangerous animal; the beast is the size of a jumbo jet. And as Atticus is consumed by revenge — and quickly recruited by morally bankrupt billionaire Trevor Manfred to hunt the monster at sea — he learns that the creature may be more intelligent than he’d ever imagined.

What is the beast Kronos? What does it want? And where did it come from?

The pursuit for those answers leads Atticus and his allies (and more than a few enemies) on a high-stakes adventure filled with betrayal, more than a few “gasp” plot twist moments, and an intriguing origin for Kronos that hints that it might not have been born … it may have been made.

It’s killer fiction, and well worth a read — especially if you dig tales in the vein of Jaws, and Meg – and it’s a helluva follow-up to Robinson’s thriller Antarktos Rising, which I also highly recommend. Book trailer is below.

What is Kronos? On Jan. 20, 2009, discover its secret

–J.C.

Review: “Metamediocrity” by Jay Lynn

I’m a sucker for a great superhero tale — and therein lies the rub.

I love the comic book medium with a passion, and am consistently amazed by the adventures found there … tales that simply cannot be told in other media, because of the unique strengths of the graphic novel format. And I love superhero stories because I wish I could run really really fast, and because heroes, of course, represent the very best of what we humans can be, given the right circumstances.

But I mentioned I’m a sucker for a great superhero tale — emphasis on the word great. Yarns about capes are a dime-a-dozen these days, which is why my standards are exacting and high. My favorite superhero stories must be engaging, deliver on some familiar tropes, and — in the end — give me something new and interesting to chew on.

Metamediocrity LogoI’ve found my next favorite superhero story. It can’t be found in a comic book, and it might not even be about a hero. It’s too early to tell where the story’s going … but I have a feeling it’s going to be a fun ride.

Meet Cliff, a vanilla guy in a vanilla white-collar gig. He’s the unlikely star in Jay Lynn’s new “audio comic book” Metamediocrity. The podcast fiction project was recently updated with episode two; I’ve listened to episode one and enjoyed the hell out of it. Why? Because vanilla character Cliff doesn’t stay vanilla for very long.

By the third paragraph in episode one of Metamediocrity, we learn that hapless Cliff recently scored some superpowers in the most unlikely of ways:

“Essentially, I was blanket rolled by  a couple of punk kids, out for a joy ride in a stolen space ship.  They had managed to strong-arm their way through several star systems, thieving whatever thy could get their hands on.  Unfortunately for me, they had also managed to put their hands on a piece of equipment called a biomutagenic reactor.  As you can guess, the words mutagenic and reactor do not imply safe and happy technology.  Not only are these things highly illegal, but also highly unstable.  They’re capable of rewriting your DNA from the ground up…”

The side-effects of Cliff’s close encounter are masterfully delivered in episode one, and I dare not spoil it for you here. In addition to Cliff’s appearance in the episode, the character’s childhood buddy Adam — a present-day IT guru and stoner — plays heavily in the ep, and is a scene-stealer.

This is fun, imaginative, outside-the-longbox superhero storytelling … and I can’t wait to see what Jay Lynn is cooking up in future installments.

In the meantime, I suggest checking out Metamediocrity. If your standards for great superhero stories are like mine, you’ll likely agree: if hapless Cliff can transcend his own mediocrity, he might be the next big thing.

–J.C.

Conversation with Case Man: A Silver Case update

Today, I received an email from Jeff Watson, a young fellow who’s been following my videos and updates about the recent F.E.A.R. 2 “Silver Case” mystery.

Here’s the full text of the email:

Hi JC,

Ever since those weird cases started showing up my friend and I have been following the whole Armacham/F.E.A.R. 2 drama and we know you have been too. We think we actually tracked the Caseman down! Here is a clip of our “interview” with him, he was super freaked out. To be honest I’m getting a little jumpy myself when I think about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dok2qRrNELE

If Quan and I come up with anything more I’ll forward it to ya.

Jeff

I don’t know Jeff, and — according to my email archives — I’ve never corresponded with him until today. However, I’ve reviewed Jeff and Quan’s video (seen below), and it is indeed possible that the duo discovered the mysterious “Case Man” — aka R., aka Richard Findes.

The voice of the man in this video sounds similar to the voice we heard in past personal videos to me. (In those older videos, Case Man’s voice has been modulated to protect his identity … but there are some tonal and enunication similarities between those vids and this one.) It appears Richard Findes is close to a “breakthrough” in his attempts to expose Armacham’s secrets.

This likely means we’ll learn more from him soon. In the meantime, here’s the video Jeff sent me:

Is it legit? A fan-created hoax? Something else? It’s hard to say. Jeff Watson’s YouTube account indicates that he has only two videos uploaded there. Both are related to the F.E.A.R. 2/Armacham mystery, uploaded mere days ago. His YouTube account was created in October. Interestingly, his profile says he’s 35 years old.

This is a head-scratcher, since the video’s off-screen Jeff sounds far younger than that.

Either Jeff is shooting straight, and he’s discovered Richard Findes’ location … or something else is afoot here. A misinformation scheme, perhaps? We’ll only know when more info becomes available. I’ll keep you posted.

My video take on Jeff’s email and video (created for my podcast audience; it contains much of the information found in this post) is below.

–J.C.

PS: I’ve replied to Jeff’s email, providing him a link to this blog post and asking him about his age, and geographic location. Where was this filmed? If I learn more, I’ll let you know…

Awesomeness is always looking for you. But are you looking for it?

In my house, it’s usually bad news when the phone rings at 6 a.m.

This morning, my cell rang at 6; the ringtone told me it was an unknown caller. By the time I’d stumbled out of bed, the ringing had stopped … and a text message was waiting for me. The area code was from Michigan, which meant it was 5 a.m. in the caller’s neck of the woods. I read the text message.

hey sorry, checked out site, did not know u wrote book. i hope 2 hear from u soon. i did wait 4 a few, did not c u leave.
– Miss Bliss

It’s no secret that I’ve posted my cell number here on my site — I want to be as accessible as possible to folks, especially for business opportunities. It appeared as if the mysterious Miss Bliss scored my digits here. But I know no “Miss Bliss,” and certainly wasn’t waiting for her, wherever she was.

(Interesting aside: My next podcast fiction project, The 33, features a main character named Bliss. How’s that for coincidence?)

Now, there are two paths to take in “wrong number” situations like this. Ignore the caller (or in this case, texter) … or be as helpful as you can. So I texted back:

Are you sure you have the right person? I don’t think I know a Miss Bliss…

Michigan-based Bliss replied minutes later:

Nah, look like a lot of people. sing in this band and i thought ur name was jeff. his pic is on main page. long hair, sings 4 another band. does zeppelin, great range, a lot of Robert Plant? thought you were him, sorry

Swell. I was helpful. Mystery solved. I replied:

Sorry Bliss … Wrong guy. Good luck tracking down Jeff.

Now here’s where things get interesting and fun — and it completely reinforces my philosophy that 99 percent of the population are cool, decent folk. Bliss texted:

Wont be 2 hard, lol! … ur book sounds interesting! r u going 2 do film? I have done scifi before. independent is the best!

Sensing an opportunity to shamelessly promote my stuff — as an indie artist, you’re always looking for more fans / customers / connections … and if you’re not, you’re doing it wrong — I replied:

Thanks! Check out the free audiobook at 7thSonNovel.com! Hope you find Jeff!

bliss1i will, Bliss soon replied, and if you u need a strong intimidating gal, and do a film, let me know. i am a pro model. acting is fun, keep in touch!

Come to find out, Miss Bliss is indeed a pro model, and this “wrong number” adventure has provided me a chance to meet someone spiffy — and just as important, share her work with you. Artists helping artists, baby. This is what indie networking is all about.

Obviously, you can see what Miss Bliss looks like from the pic in this post — a gallery is below — and if you’re based in Michigan and have a need for Miss Bliss’ modeling or acting talents, you can find out how to contact her via her ModelMayhem webpage or at 248-979-3950.

In closing: Awesomeness is always looking for you. The question is, are you looking for it? Keep your eyes peeled, be open to serendipitous moments and opportunities … and never be afraid to answer the phone at 6 a.m.

–J.C.

The most awesome Craigslist post ever.

MotionPoint logoMy buddy Adam Rubenstein (who’s also my boss at MotionPoint, the best website translation company on the planet) passed along this astoundingly funny Craigslist posting. Original link is here. Since the post isn’t hosted on a Craigslist domain, I can’t say with certainty that it’s legit … but damn, this ad for a used truck is too good not to share.

For more Craiglist madness, check out this recent discovery I made. “He falls for the booty. He is killed by knife” still makes me laugh.

And now, I present Adam’s find: The Ninja Hauler.

–J.C.

NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra – $12900 (Ronan / Lake County)


Date: 2008-11-19, 10:04PM MST

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of car you’re looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don’t get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn’t let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It’s got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you’re operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists, you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It’s saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There’s a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $5,000 for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There’s only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I’ll get back to you. And when I do, we’ll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can’t fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

The Periodic Table of Awesome

This bitchin’ image has made the rounds on the World Wide Everywhere, and has already saturated many a geek’s psyche. But I refuse to sit on the sidelines and not spread this brilliant meme.

Behold, the Periodic Table of Awesoments, created by Dapperstache crew. Click the image to view it in all of its awesome full-sized glory.

The Periodic Table of Awesoments

PS: I agree with every awesoment, save for one. Why are frickin’ pirates listed here? I suggest we axe the scurvy-afflicted dweebs from the table and replace them with something more worthy. Like John Alpha.  :)

Another fan-submitted, Hutchins-inspired pic

There must be something in the water today: First, Lance emailed me a delightful 7th Son-related photo, and now superfan Wired Pig is getting in on the action!

Take a gander at this photo, snapped by Wired Pig himself. I’m apparently selling appliances during this holiday season…

Hutchins Appliances

Who knew? I can only hope my appliances are packed with cliffhanging features such as “the ice maker that delivers a half-glass of ice, them makes you wait a week for the rest”, etc.  :)

Thanks for thinking of me, Wired Pig!

–J.C.

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